Damnaliens DVD Review by Steve Sawicki
Note: order the films from Amazon by
following the hyperlinks to buy junk food for the aliens and keep them
away from the dog.)
December is a time of giving. I was reminded of this when, just the other day, I received a package in the mail. I should point out that it met all of the warning signs that the post office has told us about; heavily taped, no return address, crude handwriting, too many stamps. I get mail like this all the time though so I immediately opened it. And what to my wondering eyes did appear but a copy of The Phantom Edit. For those of you who don't know, TPE is the work of someone in Hollywood who went back to Lucas' The Phantom Menace and re-edited the film. Gone are most of the Jar-Jar scenes. Gone are the offensive alien languages. Gone are some of the other distractions which turned the film into such a disaster.
What remains is, simply put, the movie that Lucas should have made. Now, while this is highly illegal and even owning a copy (I no longer have mine having turned it over to the proper authorities) can get you into trouble, it still points out an alarming trend for the future of film.
Rumor has it that the person who did the edit is Smith the director of Mall Rats and Clerks. Others insist that it is Lucas himself who, realizing the error of his ways, put the fixes together. Other rumors hang around the edge of reason. It's an interesting piece of work. I know this because the copy I got somehow fell into my VCR and it took me almost two hours to finally get it out. During that time it played and played and I ended up seeing most of it. While it's not something you can get someone else for the holidays, there are a number of other viable candidates out there. And, if in doubt, return to previous columns for some sure hits.
Recent Releases / Classics / SFTV / Anime
Recent
Releases
What
do you get someone who has everything? Why giant dinosaurs, like those in Jurassic
Park III. Giant dinosaurs prove that you don't need much of a story to
make things interesting. People get lost, people get threatened. Do they
survive? Who cares, there's giant dinosaurs wandering all about.
When
one seeks presents one should be cautious about what one asks for. Sheena
is something many asked for. This is what they got. See Tanya ride the horse
painted as a zebra. See Tanya jiggle. See Tanya run thought the woods. See Tanya
bathe. It's only when she speaks that the flaws of this film become obvious.
Someone forgot to write a script. Sheena has to rescue things and keep her
costume from falling off as she wanders the African plains. This is a great
example of the old saying that it is better to give than receive. Perfect for
the male throwback on your list.
This
time it's the guy who has to go out and rescue the babes from some mad overlord
called Overdog. Spacehunter,
Adventures in the Forbidden Zone, is another of those future
apocalyptic flicks where blasters and biker armor go hand in hand. Once you get
past the huge plot holes this ones actually not half bad. Shot in 3-D. Kids of
all ages will enjoy this one and you don't really need the glasses.
Evolution
has been called a crude Ghostbusters that's nowhere near as funny. I think of it
more as what Ghostbusters would have been had it been made by thirteen year
olds. Rectal humor, slime, guts, gore and an almost total disregard for women
make this the must avoid pick of the month. Makes a perfect present for someone
you hate.
Classics -
Dr.
Jekyl and Sister Hyde is an interesting premise but it goes pretty much
no where. Does anything in this
movie make sense? Not really.
Interesting choice of cast though and worth watching simply for the idea
switch. Definitely not a present
for anyone though.
More
dinosaurs on more lost islands. This
time it’s a whole continent actually, The
Lost Continent. Released in
1951, this movie lacks slick special effects and goes for the ‘glue stuff on a
chameleon’ method of dinosaur production.
Cesear Romero tries his best to act his way off the island.
Improbable plot and while the dinosaurs were probably interesting in 1951
they’re simply not today. Stick
with the present when thinking of dinosaur presents.
SFTV -
There’s
the usual suspects here, Star Trek, X-Files, Avengers, etc.
The only one worth any real mention would be, Babylon
5: The Gathering/In The Beginning.
This
is how it all began, at least until MS decides differently in some future
effort. You have to know the
characters for this to make sense so only consider this a gift if you have a B5
nut around.
Anime
Mind
tricks are being played and there’s some dancing on the edge of sexual taboo
here. Ceres,
Celestial Legend-Progenitor continues the soap opera saga of the future.
No robots which is excellent since they’d just get in the way.
Typical Japanese animation. Nothing
to write home about. A gift?
Probably not unless you’ve got one of those fanatic completists.
Crest
of the Stars--Into the Unknown on
the other hand is a space soap opera which takes place in space as well as on
planets. Again, not great animation
and the story is only so-so. Still
no robots in sight though which is a plus.
Simply a clone of all the rest of the anime that’s out there.
The
giant black robot comes to Earth and the fight continues to the shell of New
York where robots continue to fight it out in Getter
Robo Armageddon-Ascension. Finally,
robots. But not many and they don’t really mumble.
Not as interesting as it sounds.
Finally,
here they are after hiding out for a couple of months.
Mobile
Suit Gundam--Desert of Despair. The
mumblers are back and they’re fighting mad.
More Japanese soap opera. If
only these characters would get in touch with their emotional side a lot of this
conflict would never happen in the first place.
Give the gift that keeps on giving since they’ll watch this over and
over and over trying to figure out the dialogue.