December 2003
© 2003 Ernest Lilley / SFRevu
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Damnaliens DVD Review by the Damnaliens
Want a second opinion? We suggest www.imdb.com - Ernest

Another month and another holiday! By the end of this millennium you Earthers will not have a free day available. And to top it off you are very indecisive about this one. Are you celebrating starving yourselves? Are you in rapture about the little illuminated fat man standing out in the snow? Is it fire? (Which would explain all those candles.) Is it the old witch woman you want to visit you? Or is it something else entirely. And please, pick one day and stick with it. We’d also like to ask about the fascination with deer and about the vampire snowmen but we’re afraid you’d actually answer us.

Recent Releases / Classics / SFTV / Anime

Recent Releases

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black PearlWe’ve been waiting for you to run out of movies to remake, hoping to be able to watch some of this vaunted creativity you go on and on and on about. We waited and waited and just when we thought you were done, you decided to start making movies based on games and rides. Pirates of the Caribbean - The Curse of the Black Pearl is based on the ride at Disneyworld which was based on the ride at Disneyland which was stolen by your Disney mouse person from Ahab the sailor’s Merchant Marineland. We can hardly wait for the book. Ah well, in the effort to avoid plot holes and problems the writers of this epic decided to make nearly everybody dead. This also keeps the payroll down I’m sure and makes catering easier, unless, of course you hire zombies. But in this case, based on the acting, we’re pretty sure they hired your average, run of the mill, dead. We’re not sure why Mick Jagger let Keith Richards act in this but we’re sure he had his reasons. We like pirates, and think everyone should see this, yo ho ho ho.

The League of Extraordinary GentlemenOn the off chance you were in the bathroom while this movie was at the theaters and missed it, it has now been released on disc. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is about a bunch of guys (and one poor woman who must have been kidnapped because it’s the only rational explanation) who have nothing better to do than run around shooting things and blowing things up. They race from thing to thing, shooting and exploding until they’ve met their special effects quota and then they decide they’ve won so they can stop. We tried watching this with the sound off but it did not help. We’re going to try putting something in front of the screen next.

Freaky FridayAs with many things, in this case, it was more fun the first time around. Freaky Friday is about a mother and daughter who switch bodies. Now, besides the plausibility factor here (you can’t switch bodies since the mental energy of the spiritual embodiment of the physical is all tied together) there’s the problem of really bad dialogue, bad writing in general (and we’re pretty sure in private too), and a story that has more holes than a Pentagon invasion rationale. We prefer casual Friday ourselves since it allows us to let our tenstacles down and be more natural.

Classics                                    

Alien Quadrilogy: Bonus DiscIn space, no one can hear you scream. This is because of the vacuum. We know that none of you believe this because you have watched Star Trek and Star Wars and Star Maidens and know all about the noise that ships make when they swoosh by you. We can only hope to be around when you learn differently. What more is there to be said? Except for the very obvious that if it important that no one can hear you scream you first must need a reason to scream. While normally we would suggest the screaming would be because of the horrid nature of most of your DVD movies, this time it is different. Alien Quadrilogy is the reason. When we first watched Alien we actually went looking for them. They seemed okay, albeit a bit grumpy after long periods of rest. We could not locate them though and in the process were barely able to find our way back here. Luckily for you we were able to stop and ask directions of the Grays who managed to point and probe us in the right spatial coordinate. Talk about screaming. You should already have this series and if you don’t Santa won’t be coming to your house. There’s still time to redeem yourself, sort of, depending on which icon you worship and which date you fail to show up at work on.

Just in time for the holiday of peaceful giving comes Castle of the Walking Dead. We are tempted to just leave it at that but feel you need the lesson if you are ever to become less than the inferior species the galaxy knows you are. This dvd is essentially about what happens in Transylvania after Dracula leaves. There must be something in the water because evil beings seem to spring from the bushes and castle ruins like elves from an out of control sleigh. This dvd is being released on the 24th so you can gather the family and watch together as Count Regula (we think Chocula was already taken) or, Dr. Sadism as his neighbors know him, returns to wreak havoc on the local village. Make sure you have plenty of hot toddy for this one.

And just because you’re probably wondering what to do for the rest of the evening, The Christmas Season Massacre is out and would make a dandy double header. This is a film about a boy who’s humiliated into becoming a knife, ice pick, chainsaw wielding slasher and whose holiday list contains the name of those who’ve been naughty, at least to him. Well, at least you’re not focusing on your dystopian futures for once.

SFTV

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine: Season 7 (7-Disc Series)Every month it seems like there is another one of these. Maybe they’re just recombining the episodes and no one is noticing. They were all sort of similar to begin with. Star Trek Deep Space Nine - The Complete Seventh Season is yet another offering of the adventures of the crew of the Starship Enterprise. Except in this series they don’t really use the Enterprise and they don’t really go anywhere, until the writers realized that people were getting bored watching characters go round and round and round in that space station and gave them a ship. In these episodes we get the ship, although it’s still not the Enterprise. At least this is the last batch of these we should have to deal with. After showing promise this show slipped into mediocrity and these last 28 episodes reflect that like a spent spooze canister spinning towards a sun. We know you trukkers or tricksters or whatever you call yourselves will be hoping to find this under the tree instead of those replacement Spock ears while the rest of you will most likely be wondering, like we do, why so many of your holidays involve the bringing of dead or dying things into your houses?

Firefly (4-Disc Series)We did not think that there were even enough episodes to make this possible but leave it to you Earthers. Firefly, the Complete Series is now available. For those of you who may have missed the three weeks this show was on the air, imagine say, Wagon Train in space. Just because you have a starship and the latest technology does not mean you have to use it. Surely it’s more fun to hit people with your hands or shoot them with projectile weapons. Sometimes we just feel so sorry for your species it is nearly unbearable.

Anime  

Look, we actually managed to keep one out of the disintegrator. And what a save! Izcer Reborn is, quite simply, a classic holiday tale. Here’s how the whole thing plays out. Nagisa is the main character. He’s an average high school student on an Earth overrun by alien monsters. We’ll wait while you read that last sentence again. Iczer 3, on the other hand, is the youngest member of a race of fighting robot girls sworn to protect humanity. We are sure you see the obvious seasonal overtones here. Together, they’re a combat team with spunk, style and charm. To make everything even more interesting there's an invading army of killer shape-shifters. What more could you ask for? This dvd contains episodes one through six.

We are done now. We had more DVD's but we need to go to Epsilar 5 to finish our shopping. We’re hoping to get rings for the home world but we’ll see. We tried last year but all they had left by the time we got there were some really scrawny, iceless ones so we passed and settled for a couple of small moons instead. Don’t let your tree die too quickly and watch out for the vampire snowmen.

© 2002 Ernest Lilley / SFRevu
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