January 2004
© 2003 Ernest Lilley / SFRevu
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Damnaliens DVD Review by the Damnaliens
In this political season, it's only fair that the damnaliens want to get into the act. Since only humans are actually allowed to win awards, feel free to heap them on their spokeshuman, Steven Sawicki.
Want a second opinion? We suggest www.imdb.com - Ernest

Vote for us, vote for us, vote for us.

We thought we knew all of your rules about running for office, although we were greatly confused by the last big American election and the last Italian parliament election, not to mention the Pakistan election, the Palestinian vote, the voting situation in South Africa plus what happened in Brazil, New Guinea, Chad, the Ukraine, Normandy and The Haig. But, we think we understand now. Pretty much anyone can run for anything so long as you are able to stuff enough of those vote things into whatever kind of box is used, or are able to find a way to wrest victory from the jaws of your opponents using superior technological ability or genetic preplacement disposition and the supreme court. So, to that end, we entreat you to all immediately go to www.critters.org/predpoll/nonfiction.shtml and vote. We are perspicuous 33 rows down (using numerology this means we should win North Dakota, Nebraska, Canada, all the countries and states with U’s and everything south of Alabama. For the rest we will depend on you. We already have superiority so you might as well just vote and make it official.
 

Recent Releases / Classics / SFTV / Anime

Recent Releases

When you Earthers are not out inventing terrible futures you are romanticizing horrible deaths. It is an interesting dynamic. Underworld is the story of the war between the vampires and the werewolves. Hunky werewolves and sexy vampires we might add. They’ve evidently been having this war for a long time. You Earthers of course have somehow managed to not notice this. You’ve also paid no mind to all of the collateral damage that’s done. Of course with your history it’s hard to tell collateral damage from political ambition. More hair and fangs than you can imagine. Pretty to look at but bring a book for some intellectual stimulation. Or you can do like Klaarg does and only use the tiny portion of your brain that is necessary for a flick like this.

We have noticed that you Third Worlders can’t really decide anything for yourselves and must set up artificial competitions. Your Super Bowl is a good example of this. For as long as we have been here we could tell you who the better team is. It’s really nothing more than building the proper algorithm and letting it run. But no, you insist on making the players travel from city to city, playing inside and out as if it had some real meaning in the decision. And then you cluster in front of your boxes and think that what you are watching is real. You are, at least for now, an endless source of amusement and confusion. And for those who were wondering it is San Diego. You do the same kinds of things in your movies as well. King Kong Vs Godzilla, Joe Vs The Volcano, Love Vs Honor, Earth Vs The Flying Saucers, and the list goes on and on and on. (Email the editor and he’ll be happy to send it to you.) Freddy vs. Jason is just one more discussion you refuse to have with yourselves.

In this case it’s teenage killers, as if teenagers really mattered to you, the rate at which you so freely kill them in your films. So, here we have the masked man versus the clawed man and it’s a battle, what, to the death? Well, Freddy’s already been to hell and Jason’s been offed more times than a light switch so ultimately it’s a battle for...? As if it really matters. You treat movies like presidents, freely ignoring the last one in order to recreate a reality for this one. Then you do it all over again. But we digress. Which, if you’ve followed our utterings here, you will know is a rarity. We are extraordinarily sharp of focus and task oriented. It is the only way to become a superior species. Oops. We probably should not have let that bit of knowledge loose. Ah well, you will most likely forget it before you reach the end of this anyway.

We digress again when we should be egressing. While Klaar was out rounding up some tasty snacks he stumbled upon another example of your inability to make decisions. Godzilla vs. Megaguirus astounded us. Where are you hiding these wonders? We have been to Japan and have not spotted a single giant lizard, caterpillar, moth, turtle, reptile, dragon or, well, we’re not really sure what Megalon is, yet. And now dragonflies? Surely we would have seen these spending as much time in the mothership hovering over your cities as we do. But no, not a single one. And yet, according to this documentary, there are hordes of them. Maybe it’s a seasonal thing. And why don’t you have the Tokyo builders association build all of your cities since they have had so much experience? Think what they could do to Cairo, or Sao Paolo or Chicago? Surely a better plan than allowing hordes of the unemployed take them apart one brick at a time.
 

Classics                                    

We looked and looked and looked and could not find a single classic DVD. We think this is a very bad omen. We wonder if this is because there are no classics left to put on DVD. We wonder if this is because we have become infatuated with snacks and now do most of our DVD snatching in convenience marts. They do have those tasty fried chocolate cheese things. Almost as good as spooze, which, speaking of classics, is hard to beat. We looked for monsters, we looking for dwarves, we looked for rogue prison planets and, in desperation, we looked for Kevin Costner movies. None were to be found. We hope this is not a trend because then we’d be reduced to watching more of those Star Trek television remakes. So, we issue this challenge to Hollywood today. Make more classics and make then soon.
 

SFTV

Without classics we are reduced to watching Babylon 5 - The Complete Fourth Season. In fact, we watched it twice. Not because it was particularly good but because we could not believe they had actually sunk to such levels. You would think that with all those aliens around the humans would not be so stupid. They obviously, and from our own experience we know this to be true, do not listen to good advice. There is another season after this one which may not bode well for you people since you mucked this one up so badly.

Speaking of advice, Klaarrn just can’t resist giving robots bad directions. We think it has something to do with his childhood but we are not sure. First he told Gort, Klatuu Necto no Right Turns on Red Dwarfs, then he told Robbie not to change his oil every 3,000 planets and lastly he told that silly Robot from Lost in Space to turn left at Andromeda. You can watch the hilarious consequences in Lost in Space - The Complete First Season. It’s a season of bumbling and stumbling and more human stupidity than any one species should be able to manage. And why you continue to put up with annoying individuals instead of just reconstituting them as nutritious sludge we will never know. You watch, we’re going to try to convince Klaarrn to stay away from Mars for the next few months.

You thirders love hiding things, even though you’re not very good at keeping them hidden. Tapes, interns, weapons of mass destruction, humility—you’ve tried to hide them all to no avail. This gives us great joy as we anticipate eventually, probably sooner rather than later, finding out where you are hiding your Stargate. We watched with avid elegance Stargate SG-1 Season 5 Boxed Set for clues but you are either getting better at hiding or you have hidden this thing so well that even you have forgotten where it is. We’ve been to the Cheyenne Mountain and it’s not there, no matter what the shiny discs purport. We want one of these gates, for travel by faster than light starship is tedious and boring. There’s really nothing to do between planets. The time drags on until the seconds seem like minutes and the minutes seem like hours. Then it is over. These gate things would make all that time passage seem almost instantaneous. We’d be able to get spooze whenever we needed it and we could even probably find a robot planet for Klaarrn, whom we’d really like to get out of our tenstacles.

Anime  

If you feel no compunction about wasting your teen humans it is probably because you do such a good job of dumbing them down prior to offing them. An excellent example of this would be Pokémon Heroes. Who are these things? Ash, Misty, Brock, and Pikachu? In an underwater city? Doing things that even cartoon characters should be smart enough to avoid? It’s enough to make you stop watching anything with more than four colors on the cover. We understand that this was based on a game but perhaps a poor choice was made in terms of games. What about Chess? It has horses and lots of low ranked peons waiting to be sacrificed. Surely that appeals to you humans? But no, you insist on feeding your young this senseless pap and then wondering why their eyes go blank. It may take a village to raise a child but you people are doing nothing more than providing that village with an idiot. We are embarrassed for you.

Now we’d like to talk about the best dvd we saw. Say, what is that shiny thing over there? We should go investigate. It might be a tasty snack. In the mean time we’ll leave these fine dvd’s that we have not had a chance to speak about yet right here next to the food demoleculerizer where they will surely not be forgotten. Until next time try to become intelligent. Start by voting. When we win we promise to probe only good places. Honest.

© 2002 Ernest Lilley / SFRevu
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