Review by the Damnaliens
Vote for us, vote for us, vote for us.
We thought we knew all of your rules about running for office, although we were greatly confused by the last big American election and the last Italian parliament election, not to mention the Pakistan election, the Palestinian vote, the voting situation in South Africa plus what happened in Brazil, New Guinea, Chad, the Ukraine, Normandy and The Haig. But, we think we understand now. Pretty much anyone can run for anything so long as you are able to stuff enough of those vote things into whatever kind of box is used, or are able to find a way to wrest victory from the jaws of your opponents using superior technological ability or genetic preplacement disposition and the supreme court. So, to that end, we entreat you to all immediately go to
and vote. We are perspicuous 33 rows down (using numerology this means we should win North Dakota, Nebraska, Canada, all the countries and states with U’s and everything south of Alabama. For the rest we will depend on you. We already have superiority so you might as well just vote and make it official.
When you Earthers are not out inventing terrible futures you are romanticizing horrible deaths. It is an interesting dynamic.
Underworld is the story of the war between the vampires and the werewolves. Hunky werewolves and sexy vampires we might add. They’ve evidently been having this war for a long time. You Earthers of course have somehow managed to not notice this. You’ve also paid no mind to all of the collateral damage that’s done. Of course with your history it’s hard to tell collateral damage from political ambition. More hair and fangs than you can imagine. Pretty to look at but bring a book for some intellectual stimulation. Or you can do like Klaarg does and only use the tiny portion of your brain that is necessary for a flick like this.
In this case it’s teenage killers, as if teenagers really mattered to you, the rate at which you so freely kill them in your films. So, here we have the masked man versus the clawed man and it’s a battle, what, to the death? Well, Freddy’s already been to hell and Jason’s been offed more times than a light switch so ultimately it’s a battle for...? As if it really matters. You treat movies like presidents, freely ignoring the last one in order to recreate a reality for this one. Then you do it all over again. But we digress. Which, if you’ve followed our utterings here, you will know is a rarity. We are extraordinarily sharp of focus and task oriented. It is the only way to become a superior species. Oops. We probably should not have let that bit of knowledge loose. Ah well, you will most likely forget it before you reach the end of this anyway.
We looked and looked and looked and could not find a single classic DVD. We think this is a very bad omen. We wonder if this is because there are no classics left to put on
DVD. We wonder if this is because we have become infatuated with snacks and now do most of our
DVD snatching in convenience marts. They do have those tasty fried chocolate cheese things. Almost as good as spooze, which, speaking of classics, is hard to beat. We looked for monsters, we looking for dwarves, we looked for rogue prison planets and, in desperation, we looked for Kevin Costner movies. None were to be found. We hope this is not a trend because then we’d be reduced to watching more of those Star Trek television remakes. So, we issue this challenge to Hollywood today. Make more classics and make then soon.
Without classics we are reduced to watching
Babylon 5 - The Complete Fourth Season. In fact, we watched it twice. Not because it was particularly good but because we could not believe they had actually sunk to such levels. You would think that with all those aliens around the humans would not be so stupid. They obviously, and from our own experience we know this to be true, do not listen to good advice. There is another season after this one which may not bode well for you people since you mucked this one up so badly.
If you feel no compunction about wasting your teen humans it is probably because you do such a good job of dumbing them down prior to offing them. An excellent example of this would be
Pokémon Heroes. Who are these things? Ash, Misty, Brock, and Pikachu? In an underwater city? Doing things that even cartoon characters should be smart enough to avoid? It’s enough to make you stop watching anything with more than four colors on the cover. We understand that this was based on a game but perhaps a poor choice was made in terms of games. What about Chess? It has horses and lots of low ranked peons waiting to be sacrificed. Surely that appeals to you humans? But no, you insist on feeding your young this senseless pap and then wondering why their eyes go blank. It may take a village to raise a child but you people are doing nothing more than providing that village with an idiot. We are embarrassed for you.