Review by the Damnaliens
As you know, we did not win the election, though we urged you to vote for us as often as possible in the last column (See Last Column). We’ve analyzed the results and after spending hours and hours studying successful campaigns we have found the fault in our efforts. Evidently we did not give enough pigs away. We can rectify this but we understand that you Earthers, while being pretty willy nilly about everything else, are incredibly rigid about your elections. So, without further delay we promise that the next time we run, everyone who votes for us will get a piggy. We look forward to ruling you. In the mean time you can practice your obsequiousness.
Time after time after time we see you Earthers tinkering with nature and then wondering why things are not right. This is partially due to your inability to do anything in a small way and partially due to your opposable thumbs. Deep Blue Sea is exactly this conundrum in a 90-minute exercise. This is a story about a model who becomes a scientist and about the good looking crew she hires to help her get some kind of fluid out of the brains of Mako sharks. The problem is these shark brains don’t make enough fluid so she needs to make the brains larger. She does this and then starts cutting them open and poking them with things. We have advice for you. If you are going to torture something, do it before you make it smarter. So, this ex-model scientist, along with her dive buddy (who spends a lot of time in tight rubber costumes), the obligatory rapper turned cook and the token actor are in for bad times. The sharks show once again why you Earthers really should stay out of the water, especially after discarding your exoskeletons.
We were talking to some monkeys about the sorry state of what’s new on DVD's when they turned us on to a real eye opener. Planet of the Apes, 35th Anniversary edition. Finally, you Earthers envision a future that is not dystopian. Okay, you do put a couple of disgruntled humans in the movie but we figured that was just tokenism. This is a beautiful film about a distant future when humans are being brought to task for all of the bad things they did when they overran the planet. Now granted, simians are not the greatest of actors but we found we were able to overlook this due to the overwhelming positiveness of the message. The subplot, about the humans trying to understand what’s going on was a bit distracting but we understand that if you took the humans out no Earther would really want to see it. We understand making a small sacrifice for art. So, rush out today and get your stinking hands on a copy.
Finally, we discover something that we can consider to be the Rosetta stone to understanding your civilization. Greatest Sci-Fi Cartoons Of All Times has all the answers we need. We have already spent many hours perusing the various entries and we have been enlightened. We would imagine that you would be too, although the little blue flying guy is not like any alien species we’ve seen to date.
The only thing more incomprehensible than your eating habits are the British.
Red Dwarf Series 3 & 4 is a British television series. We would say it is an English television series but we did that once in Canada and learned our lesson. This series is about imbeciles in space. Now, we have certainly run across our share of this kind of thing, the Qqeeg for example, but these twelve episodes take the cake. We’re not sure why so much revolves around curry but it does. We’re sure this series will appeal to a certain element among you and we think you should take this opportunity to find out who they are and do some planet cleaning.
We truly hate when titles give everything away. For example, we give you
Witch Hunter Robin - Inquisition (Vol. 3) which is about Robin, who is a Witch Hunter. The entire volume, which is the third one, takes place during something called an Inquisition. Why did we bother to watch this? We could have just looked at the pretty box on the shelf and have been done with it. We did like the story, even though we pretty much knew all the major story arcs before starting. Next time we may send Klaarg who’s pretty forgetful because he’s our navigator and his upper membranes are full of star stuff, and have him bring
DVD's back to the ship in plain brown wrappers.
In an unrelated area we have been receiving cartons of tomes purporting to contain the results of intelligence. Why are you sending these to us? We looked at a few of them, just because we are curious, and found them to be dry, dull and pedantic. We believe these things fall into the class of writing that you term academic. Why anyone would want to write, never mind read, a 1200 page book on Edgar Allen Poe is beyond us.
To make matters worse, many of these writers are trying to claim that there is significance in the works they are deconstructing. Please, stop. There is no significance in any of your writings. We have looked. It’s not there. Perhaps you are not capable of it. You are entertaining however and we believe you should stick to that. This poking and prodding and producing of previously written material is futile. It is like trying to learn anatomy from something that has been squashed by a mothership landing. Not only that but you can’t get rid of the things. (The tomes, not the squished things). We tried tossing some into the ram scoop and the ship was in the shop for two weeks. We even tried disintegrating a few but it left such an oily residue that we gave up that effort as well. We tossed a few into the sun but they made these big black spots so we stopped because we were afraid that too many would shut it off. Stop searching for meaning in the words of dead humans and start searching for meaning with your neighbors.
(Actually, all "dry, dull, and pedantic works should be sent to SFRevu's Academic and Reference reviewer, Edward Carmien, whose I2 column can be found elsewhere in this issue. Though the aliens might find it hard to believe, he manages to rehydrate some of these tomes enough to make a pleasant libation for the reference librarians among us. - the editor)