Review by the Damnaliens
You probably did not know this but during the month of May you will produce 1,132 DVDs. Most of them will not be worth whatever it is you cut down in order to make them. This was not so in your past. You used to make more quality efforts. Trust us, we have been there. One can not dwell in the past however. Unless, of course, you have a Mark VI mothership, a black hole kit and the instruction manual for the navigation console. But we digress. How, you may ask, do we know that you made one thousand one hundred and thirty two DVD's in the month of May? Because we had to look at every single one of them! And even with that effort we could not find enough to write about. You simply must make more better DVD's! And do so by June or we will be forced to devote a section to the art of cheerleader films or even sink so low as to simply make things up!
We were wondering when you
would finally get around to combining your two most favorite pastimes: Horror
Dracula - Pages from a Virgin's Diary takes the immortal story of lust
and love and puts it to music. We do not think you have ever seen Dracula until
you see him prance across the stage in his tutu. Actually we thought this was a
pretty interesting concept and we are waiting for you to combine your to other
favorite pastimes; bowling and rugby.
are a people in conflict and ineptness. Even your dvd titles are nothing more
than signs of your struggle for description and sensation.
of the Zombie (1961), done by the same folks who brought you Monster and
the Stripper, is the perfect example of this as everyone knows that Zombies,
being dead, have no blood. In this one a woman raises a stinking corpse to do
her bidding. As the flick unfolds you come to realize that this is nothing more
than an allegory for all of the other bad choices she has made and the film goes
on to delve into the inner workings of the human psyche as it relates to the
conflict between innate belief and made knowledge. No, we pull your legs. This
is nothing more than a shambling husk flick with little action and bad dialogue.
We know you will love it.
is out there, or so you believe. Actually we think these episodes of
X-Files, The Complete 9th Season (2002) were done after the truth had
already been passed over. Honestly, we found the entire premise a bit hard to
take. Why you people want to believe that pretty much everyone is lying to you
is beyond us. There is nothing out there, trust us. Weíve been there. We fly
through it all the time. Itís empty. But you wonít believe us.
Weíre going to try to avoid robot things for a while until we can figure out a way to trick Klaarg into getting into the realignimator. This robot fixation of his has just become too much. Why only yesterday we had to whisk him out of Home Depot after he became convinced that the self check out aisles were nothing more than a plot devised by Robby the Robotís friend Sandy the Simulacrum. Weíre not even sure what Klaarg was doing in Home Depot to begin with but itís a good thing we managed to get him out in time. Weíve been watching lots of the rabbit cartoons and noticing how many of you have wanted to imitate this style. Invader ZIM - Doom Doom Doom (Vol. 1) (2001) attempts this. The story involves an alien, Zim, from the planet Irk who is trying to take Earth over. Zim is thwarted in his attempts by Dib, a human child who is somehow aware of the plot. Neither Zim, his robot sidekick, Gir, seem able to outthink Dib and his sister, Gaz. Itís not bad for a series that consists of people with three letter names.