Review by the Damnaliens
We were out in the Oort cloud the other day, disturbing the orbits of ice chunks so theyíd become comets and crash into the sun when we had a revelation. We were pondering the most significant problems that you Earthers seem to struggle with and suddenly realized that we could solve every single one of them without violating our non-interference directive. It would involve no technology transfer and no passing of forbidden but fun information. In fact, the idea was so significantly simple we are astounded that you have not thought of it yourselves. We immediately disturbed the remaining fourteen ice lumps from their trajectory and rushed back to your planet. We hovered over your capital, looking for a parking spot when we realized that our revelation would, indeed, violate our non-interference directive and probably get us banned from the intergalactic explorers club to boot. Oh well, youíll stumble onto it sooner or later, although from what weíve seen of your melting ice caps it should probably be sooner.
You are at it again. Somehow, not content with trying to foist a less than stellar offering onto an unsuspecting sentient species you retreat to your dark caves only to emerge with the same exact offering only more so. Pitch Black (Widescreen Unrated Director's Cut) is nothing more than the same flick that was shown so long ago but with all those scenes the editor cut out put back in. If you did not miss them the first time why do you think you need them now? Is it that you hope these scenes will enable you to make sense of the gobbledy gook science being thrust at you? Is it that you so yearn to have your brain numbed by senseless drivel that you flock back to it like a moth to a flame? Or are you so sucked in by the hype that you are not even aware of how you are being manipulated? We think itís the moth thing.
Please, please, please make new movies. We are languishing here waiting for something new to watch and each month finds us haunting the dvd aisles of the K and Wal marts to no avail. Why are you not making new ones? Did you forget how? No, wait, we already know the answer to that one. Was it something we said? We can unsay it. Or better yet we can simply erase the minds of all of you on the planet for that specific time period. Does it have to do with that Mars probe? How about if we promise to watch over the new space ship X Games Prize thing you are currently playing with? Will that do it? You must tell us, and quickly. Klaarg is already beginning to watch cheerleader beach movies.
Not to mention: The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra / Timequest ~ Bruce Campbell / Flight of the Navigator ~ Joey Cramer / The Abyss (Full-Screen Edition) ~ Ed Harris / The Adventures of Pluto Nash ~ Eddie Murphy
Why spend time and energy (unless, of course, you are spending it here) trying to seek out all the classic flicks that you remember from when you were just a podling swimming in your nascent goo when you can just purchase this collection and be pretty much set for life. We mean itís not like youíre really going to like many of these once they bang against your brain and you are confronted with the reality that either itís a conspiracy of replacement or you just donít remember things so well. 50 Movie SciFi Classics will present you with enough B and almost B movies to make your little hearts flutter like, well, those moth things. Queen of the Amazons, The Robot Monster, The Amazing Transparent Man, The Wasp Woman, Bride of the Monster, Attack of the Monsters, Gamera the Invincible, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Teenagers From Outerspace, 5 Hercules flicks, Lost Jungle, Mesa of Lost Women, Eagah many more dozens. What could be better?
Better? Why we have just the thing. 50 Movie Horror Classics to be exact. Yikes, giant plants, giant lizards, invisible men, disfigured musicians, mutant teenagers and more murderous earthlings than you can shake a stick at, which is just as effective as many of the other things people in these movies try to fight back with. You get, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, Blue Beard, The Corpse Vanishes, Night of the Living Dead, Doomed to Die, The Phantom of the Opera, The Indestructible Man, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Nosferatu, Swamp Women, The World Gone Mad, The Little Shop of Horrors, Tormented, The Monster Walks, Monster from a Prehistoric Planet and many dozens more. What could possibly be better? Did we mention the zombies?
We remember, from basic starship class, that they made us study quantum physics. A quantum as you all remember is a very small, indivisible amount of energy. This makes a quantum leap a pretty small leap indeed. Quantum Leap - The Complete First Season is out now and their leaps are not only large but time spanning. We donít do time travel so we canít tell you how accurate any of this is although we think itís pretty far from the truth considering that you show it on television and this is the medium your political leaders use to lie to you.
We read a lot of Stephen King on the trip over to your planet and we have to admit that we liked more than we did not like, so that while a few of the tomes did find their way to the disintigrator chute it was less than say, that Hubbard fellow. But, we get to here and what do we find? Nothing good involving King on the big screen. Itís not like itís all that difficult you know. Why we captured a number of Quaargís hallucinogenic wanderings after reading King and they made pretty entertaining watching let us tell you. But you just canít seem to get it right. And yet you keep trying. The Dead Zone - The Complete Second Season is your attempt to do King on television. Do you succeed? Does a moth flutter to the ground dead after flying full force into a screen door one hundred and twenty times?
We know we know, itís not really anime but we got tired of hunting for mumbling robots and looking at teen age girls with giant eyes. X-Men Evolution - Enemies Unveiled is more to our liking. Funny humans running around in colored underwear, letting their mutant powers have the best of them and creating as much collateral damage as they can in the process. There are good guys and bad guys but they both seem to destroy stuff equally as well so weíre a bit unclear as to the actual distinction. We like the Captain fellow but wonder why other countries donít get their own mutants? We would think that Canada could use something like this. And maybe Brazil.
Not to mention: Spider-Man - The '67 Collection (6 Volume Animated Set)