Review by the Damnaliens
We were sitting around the mothership the other day, arguing about how much force you could use to bounce the Moon off the Earth and into the Sun without significantly disturbing the orbit of the planet. Itís all celestial mechanics you know and since Queelgís pod father owned a shop back home he thought he knew all the answers. We were about to try it and prove him wrong when we discovered we were out of yogurt and pimentos. While at the store we discovered an entire rack of new DVD's which had just been made available for rental. After stocking up we returned to our secret hiding place in Rhode Island and settled in for some serious screen time. Unfortunately, we still have not found the manual for the control console and the five DVD's we had secured as screeners of upcoming epics were pretty much instantly turned to particulate matter after we loaded them into the transmolecular relocator and DVD player. We did manage to correct that error before putting in the next batch.
You would think that by now, most of you people would have seen enough Twilight Zone episodes or read enough science fiction or simply spoken enough to each other to understand the basic paradoxes and problems involved with time travel. But no, apparently not because what have you made but The Butterfly Effect which is about a young man who returns to his past to change it and then wonders why everything is different. This is really too silly even for us to comment on.
We suppose if it can be done with cheerleaders it can be done with just about anybody. Hellboy helps prove this point. Hellboy is a demon which, we understand, is just another kind of human. We think they live somewhere under China but we are not sure, since we have so far limited our studies to the fourth quadrant of the fifth sector of the ninth suborbital realm. Weíll get there soon enough, assuming we can trust the directions we get from MapQuest. Hellboy is a good demon who helps his fellow humans fight bad guys wherever they may crop up, which is a lot of places according to the movie. We believe that this is simply a metaphor for politics pointing out the idea that no good politician can come from Ohio or any state with an N, A, or S in itís name. The metaphor kind of loses its meaning after that, but then thereís not much meaning in Hellboy either.
We warned you last time and now it has come to this. Flesh Gordon 2 - Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders. We liked the first Flesh Gordon. He was the right guy for the right job and he was amusing to boot. This sequel, if you can call this a sequel, is shoddy stuff indeed. Why are so many of your sequels either full of toilet humor or just worthy of being humorously put in the toilet?
Everyone loves cheerleaders so maybe Klaarg has something here. Satan's Cheerleaders is not so much about Satan as it is about cheerleaders who are involved with Satan. At least we think this is what this is about. Itís hard to tell what with another riveting performance by John Carradine, and the intricate plot twists. Or maybe it was just the bikinis. Satan wins, we think, which according to the DVD is a good thing but itís all quite confusing so itís actually quite an accurate reflection of your own moral and ethical behaviors.
Time passes and yet it seems not to pass. You would also think that any series which requires its characters to make new technologies on the fly would have figure out some way to solve the main problem. "But, no, Star Trek Voyager - The Complete Third Season chronicles the continuing adventures of the star ship Enterprise (We know it's called Voyager but does it really make a difference) as it essentially wallows through space which makes up the Alpha Quadrant or the Beta Area or the Epsilon Sector or some such silliness, as if space, which is constantly in motion, could be defined by some set of lines. They apparently have the technology and the skills but they refuse to use it. We think you Third Worlders simply prefer wandering around to other, more productive, behaviors.
You Earthers number everything, and not just once in many cases, but in multiples. This is confusing to us. Why do you not use your numbers correctly? We think it has to do with your inability to see very far into the future. We know you write science fiction which is supposed to be far seeing but letís be accurate and note that almost all of it has been wrong. Now you are at it again with your DVD offerings. Farscape - Season 4, Collection 5 is really the last collection of shows from this series but somehow you have become confused about whether it is 4 or 5 and so you use both numbers. This plays havoc with our cataloging system and we simply want you to stop. We liked the series by the way, especially the blue people, albeit we did not recognize a single alien from our travels and we wish you would give some of them work, as they need it.
And when you are not double numbering things you are being repetitive. Millennium - The Complete First Season leaves no doubt as to what you get; the first season. All of it. And you should be glad of this for Millennium truly captures the melancholy that is your genetic fate. After viewing this we no longer need to wonder at your propensity for dystopian futures. We now know that it springs from your view of the present as simply horrible. According to Millennium a dystopian future would be a big step up for you. Still, we liked it as it allowed us to add to our database of ways humans are bad to humans.
We think we had the chance to meet Artie Decco when we were in France last year but we can not be sure. Since then we have seen his name everywhere including on the box of the new Batman - The Animated Series, Vol. 1. Mr. Decco apparently had much to do with the set construction (although how you build sets for an animated series is beyond us). Still, you Earthers continue to come up with new ways to make the simple things hard. If we ever actually do run into Artie weíll be sure to ask. We like the Batman by the way, although his moodiness will probably keep us from inviting him to our next soiree.