AVP - Alien Vs. Predator (Widescreen Edition) by
(Twentieth Century Fox Home Video 25 January, 2005 / $29.98) - We want to say, right off, that we had nothing to do with this. We do not know the Aliens involved and from what we have seen, would not be amenable to spending quality time with them. In fact, regardless of your poor titling efforts, we know neither of the species involved in Alien Vs Predator.
And which one is supposed to be the predator. Not the one that is always eating everything and everyone for some reason but the other one. And why did they not do any fighting in the light? Our own experience is that it is generally much easier to do things in the light than in the dark. But maybe they had esp and so did not need light. It is hard to tell without a proper probing and those extra special pupils are devilishly difficult to discern anyway. We liked the setting although it was dark. We enjoyed the dialogue, although it was mostly depressing. And we thoroughly enjoyed the special effects. Where do they get all that ice from?
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (Widescreen Edition) by
(Paramount Home Video 25 January, 2005 / $29.99) - Boy, oh boy. Immediately after this we will be saucering to the seat of power for your country to try to convince the head executive about adding a better rating system to your dvd boxes. We're not hopeful though as Hollywood is such a strange place. Klaarg may never be the same after watching Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow.
What were you thinking? And who's future is this supposed to be? Do you seriously have plans to try to go backwards? It will not work you know. Many species have tried it using a variety of methods--atomic, genetic, biological, and they have regretted every minute of the experience. Remember what one of your famous philosophers said about not being able to go home again when he immortalized these words in song "There's a hole in the ground where my house used to be." It wasn't us by the way.
In any case, Klaarg had a very bad experience. Every time he looked up at the screen his worst nightmares were being visualized. There were robots here and robots there and robots in places you least expected. Why, we're even suspicious that a robot wrote the screenplay, which would explain a lot now that we come to think about it. Robots might be great for welding plates on a mothership shuttle but they can't rub two folk tales together to make a story. Or maybe the continuity girl took some time off during the shooting. Hard to tell. If you see Klaarg send him home. Wait until he's finished stomping your roomba to bits though as he can be a handful when he's upset. (see review)
Forever Knight - The Trilogy, Part 2 by
(Columbia Tristar Hom 04 January, 2005 / $59.95) - We do so love what you do with titles. Does this mean there will be a trilogy part three? We hope so. And we also greatly enjoy your sense that things can be all around you and you still don't see them.
Forever Knight-The Trilogy, Part 2 is about a 13th century vampire who works for the Toronto police department. This must have been before they did thorough screening. In any case this guy who has been alive for 700 years or so, and who obviously does not have two nickels to rub together or he would not need to work, runs around and battles other supernatural beings. This is a good thing for you humans because if the supernatural beings ever realized that if they would only join together for a few weeks they could pretty much wipe you all out.
This would not make good television though so perhaps it is the network executives who hold some kind of sway over these creatures. We have heard that these executives can make others do their bidding. Perhaps this Knight fellow can go after one or two of them on his day off.
Millennium - The Complete Second Season by
(Fox Home Entertainme 04 January, 2005 / $59.98) - Finally, we come to something that truly best reflects the way you thirders feel. Millennium, The Complete Second Season shows you for the dark thinkers you are. These are the stories about a group of humans who have taken it on themselves to track down the most vile among you. Often times though, it is hard to tell exactly who is more troubled; and, as we watched these disks we became somewhat confused about who was doing what and why? We did like the way the characters sort of stumbled through their lives as we have noted the same in our studies. We're not quite sure about these mind powers though. In all of our probings we have not come across a single one. Perhaps though it is because the ones we probe lack the proper motivation. It seems that Frank and his friends are actually combating Armageddon. Oh well. We can wait. We did really like the music.
The Village (Widescreen Edition) - Vista Series by
(Buena Vista Home Vid 11 January, 2005 / $29.99) - We think, if we were ever so inclined, that if we were stuck out in a place we knew nothing of and stumbled onto something strange, that we would leave immediately. Of course we have aeons of experience in these kinds of things whereas you have only been stumbling about for a little while in the scale of cosmic time. The Village is an excellent example of this.
This movie is just like all those movies you made about dumb teenagers in dark houses going into the basement. You want to keep yelling at people to not do what they are about to do. On the other hand there's something to be said for natural selection. Of course if too much of this is allowed to happen the planet will have much open space. We liked the moody setting and the tension that came and went but this is not as good as his previous two movies (we're not counting the silly one about comic books because no one really does you know). Klaarg did jump once or twice but we think it was because he thought he heard robots on the hull. It's hard to tell with Klaarg sometimes.
Farscape - The Peacekeeper Wars by
(Lionsgate 18 January, 2005 / $19.98) - It is a big universe, which explains why we are not always up to stuff when it comes to knowing every alien that wanders across your ken. Take Farscape-the Peacekeeper Wars for example.
It is just like you people to use an experimental spaceship and then lose not only it; but also the idea that it ever existed. In any case, this cosmonaut of yours has gotten himself into a pretty big fix and can only get out of it through regurgitation. Look, we are just reporters and not creators here.
We liked the original Farscape. It had pretty scenery, nice aliens and we had ship envy. Not that there's anything wrong with our Mark IV Mothership but it's an older model and waffles a bit in the black holes. Klaarg keeps insisting it is because of the tiny robots in the drive motors but we think that's just an excuse to get OOthal, our engineer, to strip the engines. Klaarg and OOthal don't get along. Klaarg insists it is navigating that gets us from place to place and OOthal insists it is the Photon practical drives that do the work. We just push the buttons like they taught us in mothership driving class and try to ignore them.
So, that's what Farscape ? the Peacekeeper Wars is all about; arguing, black holes, getting along and hallucinating. We enjoyed it. It reminded us of our travels. You'll enjoy it too, but not as much of course since you have had no travels.
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