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Blu-ray & DVD Reviews- 02/2006  Next Month / Last Month
by Charles Mohapel
Send your Shiny Disks to: c/o SFRevu, 16440 Baden Westwood Rd, Brandywine, MD 20613

Damn Aliens DVD by Steven Sawicki ( / 0.00) - We would like to talk to you about Global Warming. Notice we capitalized it so you would not miss it. We were going to make it bold too but we have not quite figured out how to do that yet. We have been paying attention to your scurrying about with your, "it's too hot," "it's too cold," "it's just not right," arguments. Surely you know that your planet has been heating and cooling for a long, long time. This is what it is supposed to do. On the other hand we wonder why you spend so much time complaining about it and so little time trying to fix it. Orbital mechanics are not that complex, even for you. If you're too hot then just nudge the darn thing a bit farther away from your sun. If you're too cold then a few feet closer should do it.

Have you not thought of this? Or perhaps you just like to complain about things, which is one of the things you seem to excel at. This is much like your shiny disc industry. (We know that you are amazed at our ability to segue.) We see shiny discs that seemed to have been produced to do nothing more than to give others of you something to complain about. Some of you bemoan that there is nothing good out there while others bemoan that there is never enough butter on the popcorn. Firstly, you can simply demolecularize butter out of simple oxygen by using...wait, you don't have that technology yet. Maybe you better stick to trying to make better shiny discs.

We have three advices for you. First, stop reproducing. Once you have made it leave it alone. Gees, this one should be so obvious. Second, use your imagination. You used to be able to do this. What happened? Third, enough with the robot movies. You're irritating Klaarg and besides being the chief engineer, he has control of our weapons systems so he's not someone you want irritated with you. Let us give you some examples of potential targets.  Netflix / IMDB

Doom (Unrated Widescreen Edition) by (Mca Home Video 07 February, 2006 / $29.98) - This DVD stars a rock so we were initially very reluctant to look at it. Certainly there have been good rock actors in the past but not so much lately. Still, we liked the title and were in the mood for another of your joyful, post-apocalyptic adventures so we figured we'd give it a try. Plus there appeared to be no robots in it which made Klaarg happy. It finally seems that you may have tired of destroying your Earth because you have moved your apocalypse to the next closest planet (which for the uninformed of you out there is not the Moon but Mars). According to the DVD, something has gone wrong and you have decided to send a rock to fix things. We understand that the primitive brain still exists in your heads so we understand where this rock thing comes from. It was not until the end that we were informed that this is not so much a DVD movie as it is a DVD video game action thing. This explains both the lack of acting and the lack of plotting. It probably also explains why you sent a rock to do a humans job.  Netflix / IMDB

Destination Mars by (Image Entertainment 07 February, 2006 / $19.99) - We had to wait until Klaarg was out of the ship to watch this. Luckily he wanted to go look at some industrial motors in Europe and was gone for the day. We thought at first that this was a DVD about the two little cars that you sent to your neighboring planet. We think we may have been misled. This was not about cars on Mars but about women controlled robots running rampant in the suburbs. For some reason the women of Mars want to conquer Earth and send lots of robots. Lucky for Earth the robots aren't really all that well designed and end up being defeated. Not before a lot of fighting, destruction, clanking and grappling though. Filmed in black and white it's hard to believe this came out just a year ago or so. For all of you who yearn for a return to the golden years of movie making. This should convince you of how wrong your thinking actually is.  Netflix / IMDB

Bleeders by (Ardustry 14 February, 2006 / $9.98) - This DVD involves an island with catacombs. How they got there is anyones guess, but there they are. Inside the catacombs are mutations. How the mutations got there is by boat, we would imagine. How the mutations got mutation is through that fine southern tradition of marrying your cousin. Evidently, your grasp of DNA chaining is weak since no amount of cousin marrying will produce creatures like this. And yet, there they are. There's also a guy who's like sort of the creature's nephew and another guy who wants to just call the whole thing off. They all get together in these catacombs on this island and have at it. All we can say is that there's never a tsunami around when you really need one.  Netflix / IMDB

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, Vol. 1 by (20th Century Fox 21 February, 2006 / $39.98) - Submarines are a lot like spaceships. Not in the way they look or in their propulsion systems but in the fact that both move through a medium that will have harsh effects on your skin if the barrier between you and the medium becomes breached. While it is true that you cannot swim to the next planet if your starship breaks down, it is also true that the GGG (Generali Grapplerra Galacticus) won't come and give you a tow if your sub breaks down, so we call it even. This DVD was once again misnamed since the vessel in it spent negligible time actually at the bottom of the sea. And if they were voyaging there we can tell you there are many better ways to do it. This would have been much better called Voyage Above the Bottom of the Sea. Still, we know you like to miscall things every chance you get so we won't belabor the point. We found the technology quaint. But then we find most of your technology quaint, except, of course, those twisty arm things that turn dough into pretzels. There are no pretzels at the bottom of the sea although there are plenty of cucumbers, even though none appear in the show. KLaarg was horrified at the way the vessel was treated and we have to concur. It seems they hit almost everything put in front of them. Klaarg tries very hard not to hit things with the mothership in our travels and we greatly appreciate that.  Netflix / IMDB

Saw II (Widescreen Edition) by (Lions Gate 14 February, 2006 / $28.98) - It is good that you are getting the holidays out of your system although we do still wonder at the amount of horror you release right at the end of December. We think it might be some form of repressed memory conflict at work. This movie is about an evil mastermind. Well, we're not really sure about the evil part. This person builds traps and then puts humans in them so that he can watch their behavior. Perhaps, one day, Rodents R Us was out of rats and thss began his journey. We thought that this movie owed a great deal to one of our favorite shiny discs, Cube. It is more or less the same movie, unsuspecting innocents trapped in a puzzle which will kill them if they are not smart enough. And, as the puzzle unfolds we find that the innocents are not all that innocent to begin with. We suppose if you like watching rooms full of people get chopped up in different ways then you will like this. Perhaps you will watch it on one of those days the slaughter house is closed. We just hope that the people who bought the trapped people presents saved their receipts.  Netflix / IMDB

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