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Blu-ray & DVD Reviews- 03/2005  Next Month / Last Month
by Charles Mohapel
Send your Shiny Disks to: c/o SFRevu, 16440 Baden Westwood Rd, Brandywine, MD 20613

Damnalien DVD's by The Damnaliens (as told to Steve Sawicki) (SFRevu March 1, 2005 / ) - Greenings, peoples of Earth. We bring you obligatory salty nations. Hail and sleet wet. Now that we have gotten the preliminary round of tenstacle waving out of the way we can progress to a topic of more gravitas.

We've been out in your Kuiper Belt, wandering through the Oort cloud and disturbing the occasional icy rock. We are pretty sure we left a probe out here although we can't seem to find it at the moment. It was not a large probe but it did help us better communicate with the home world. We're sure it is around here somewhere. Hopefully we'll bump into it before you actually do something worth reporting back. While you are a busy species you are not particularly a productive species. Oh sure you make many things but most of it is recyclable and should be. It did not appear to always be this way but you lately seem to have become fixated with navel gazing and so are repetitively creating your past over and over again in different ways. It must be providing great amusement for you; otherwise you would not be doing it. For us, it is just one more thing to have to figure out. Like your shiny discs which used to contain much in the way of entertainment and now, well, perhaps it would be just easier to show you.   Netflix / IMDB

Star Wars - Episode I, The Phantom Menace by (Twentieth Century Fox 22 March, 2005 / $19.98) - We have heard on the ether that there are actually two variant versions of this movie. There is the Phantom Edit that takes out that annoying alien, Ju Ju Bee, and reworks the audio to also get rid of the annoying accents the aliens use. Then there's the Phantom Edit that makes Ju Ju smart and reformulates some other aspects. But we're not here to talk about the good versions of episode one.

All we really have to say is, "What was he thinking?" Did Lucas want people to flinch their way through this movie? Did he really have so little affection for his own work that he felt the need to sabotage it? We'd say he was having a bad day but he spent over a year working on this, and that's a long time to have a bad day. Ye gods, and perhaps the Jedi deserve what they get because they obviously were much dumber and much less able to use the force in this episode than they were in four and five and six. We're hoping there's more Phantom Edits out there because they are a lot closer to getting it right.   Netflix / IMDB

The Incredibles by (Walt Disney Home Video 15 March, 2005 / $29.99) - You humans like to think that there is congruity in the universe, that there are patterns here and patterns there, and that everything has some meaning. You place great significance in circumstance, often elevating it to the lofty heights of theory and septaclaraflagism, although, as Klaarg has just reminded us you are probably not familiar with that particular offshoot of molecular determinism.

This is a movie that explores the underlying questions of age, experience, representation and ability--all in cartoon form, of course, which is where you earthers tend to deal with all of your significant philosophical questions. Ultimately you are asking whether or not an otherly capable being can maintain happiness over a continuum of experiences. Our biggest question is where are you hiding these actors? We have looked and looked and looked and we have yet to find any cartoon people anywhere.   Netflix / IMDB

The Day After Tomorrow by (Fox Home Entertainme 01 March, 2005 / $19.98) - We are never so amazed as when we watch you get your own science wrong. This is exactly what you do, over and over again, in this newest vision of your apocalyptic future. This time it is the weather that you have messed with and evidently you think making a butterfly sneeze in Brazil causes global flooding followed by quick freezing in New York. If only that were the way planetary mechanics really worked. Truly it would make our jobs much easier. Well, not our jobs of course since they are pretty easy already but the jobs of our own planetary engineers who have to actually try to convert planets from boiling deserts to livable climes.

In any case, this shiny disc tells the story of a bunch of evident idiots (why else would they burn books when they are in a building full of wood furniture and who really thinks it's a good idea to walk to New York from Washington or Philadelphia or wherever they started from in the middle of a blizzard) try to survive a disaster of their own making. Have you been cloning yourselves or genetically manipulating the 'sense' gene out of your species? Hard to explain this in any other logical way.   Netflix / IMDB

The Greatest American Hero - Season 1 by (Anchor Bay Entertain 15 February, 2005 / $29.98) - We have come to realize that you enjoy placing foolish beings in positions of ultimate power and then rendering them less than efficient. Perhaps this need to feel superior to each other is nothing but a remnant from the times when pretty much everything on your planet hunted and ate you. Perhaps it has deeper meaning.

In this case, we offer three discs in support of our conclusions. You are putting a high school teacher, who somehow has made contact with aliens who gave him a super power, into this position. Now, we can tell you for sure that inhabitants from other worlds have more important things to do than flit around handing out super powers.

We'd cite more examples but not having access to our probe is limiting us. These discs also contain an unaired pilot for a spin off series, The Greatest American Heroine, which was never put on display.   Netflix / IMDB

Wonder Woman - The Complete Second Season by (Warner Home Video 01 March, 2005 / $39.98) - It's no wonder to us that you make men super but relegate your women to being simply a wonder. Not only that but the men can fly and the women need planes. Men come from Krypton and women from some small, lost island infested with Amazons. Men get tights from toe to head and women get barely enough fabric to make a decent cape.

Still we liked this wonder woman as she went about her business working for the military doing drudge labor and keeping her true identity (can you people really not see through these disguises) secret just in case. We're not really sure in case of what, but it seems important so we just take notes. We're also a bit fuzzy on the technology behind the bracelets and the lasso since they seem to violate many natural laws. And we wondered greatly at the 35 year gap between season one and season two but evidently super heroes can just go and violate not only the laws of physics but time and space as well.   Netflix / IMDB

Orgazmo by (Umvd 29 March, 2005 / $19.98) - (Unrated Special Edition) Look, up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a...we're not really sure. Klaarg got this one for our Sunday afternoon shiny disc party and we once again wonder about the amount of time he spends in the engine compartment.

Evidently this super hero has decided that the best place to hide his identity is as a movie star. We're not sure why he chose to be in movies that surrounded him with scantily clad dumb women but then who are we to say anything about any of the seemingly ridiculous choices your species makes.

Orgazmo really doesn't seem to do much crime fighting, nor does he really have a lot of super powers. In fact, we didn't see a single one but he has the tights so it must be in there somewhere. We think we also missed the plot or maybe you just forgot to put one in. Klaarg liked it though, but then he also likes three-day-old spooze reformulated in the reciprocitor.   Netflix / IMDB

Alien Lockdown by (First Look Pictures 01 March, 2005 / $24.98) - IMDB: In a secret government lab, Dr. Alan Woodman (Savage) conducts experiments to develop a violent alien into a revolutionary fighting machine. The trial fails and the creature escapes into compound, killing everyone in its path. Only Woodman and his assistant Charlie (Marshall) survive. After locking down the facility, they send out a distress call and the top covert military force responds.  Netflix / IMDB

Final Cut by (Lionsgate 22 March, 2005 / $27.98) - IMDB: Set in a world with memory implants, Robin Williams plays a cutter, someone with the power of final edit over people's recorded histories. On his latest assignment, he finds information about his own life that puts him in danger  Netflix / IMDB

Star Trek - First Contact by (Paramount Home Video 15 March, 2005 / $19.99) - (Special Collector's Edition) IMDB: Capt. Picard and his crew pursue the Borg back in time to stop them from preventing Earth from initiating first contact with alien life.  Netflix / IMDB

Charly by (Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer 08 March, 2005 / $14.95) - Based on the Daniel Keyes short story and novel Flowers for Algernon, this is Cliff Robertson's excellent portrayal of the transition from retarded and dependent to brilliant and doomed. - Ern  Netflix / IMDB

Exorcist - The Beginning by (Warner Home Video 01 March, 2005 / $27.95) - (Widescreen Edition) IMDB: Years before Father Lancaster Merrin helped save Regan MacNeil's soul, he first encounters the demon Pazuzu in East Africa. This is the tale of Father Merrin's initial battle with Pazuzu and the rediscovery of his faith.  Netflix / IMDB

Godzilla 2000 by (Columbia Tri-Star 01 March, 2005 / $9.95) - Godzilla saves Tokyo from a flying saucer that transforms into the beast Orga  Netflix / IMDB

Godzilla DVD Collection 7-Pack by (Columbia Tristar Hom 01 March, 2005 / $117.90) - Godzilla DVD Collection 7-Pack (Godzilla (1998) / Godzilla 2000 / vs. King Ghidora / and Mothra The Battle for Earth / vs. Destoroyah / vs. Space Godzilla / vs. Mechagodzilla / Giant Monsters All Out Attack / vs. Megaguirus   Netflix / IMDB

Star Wars - Clone Wars, Vol. 1 by (Fox Home Entertainme 22 March, 2005 / $19.98) - (Animated) Amazon: "Star Wars: Clone Wars" Volume One reveals the epic adventures that bridge the story arc between Star Wars: Episode II Attack of the Clones and Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith.  Netflix / IMDB

Astro Boy by (Columbia Tristar Hom 29 March, 2005 / $49.95) - (The Complete Series) Though it's the complete 1980s series, and not the Black and White one that aired in the 60s, it's still a mighty atomic collection. Astro-Boy was the first anime to reach US shores, and the story of a little boy robot brought to life to fill the void left by the death of the inventor's son is a fond memory for many. - Ern  Netflix / IMDB

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