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Blu-ray & DVD Reviews- 04/2005  Next Month / Last Month
by Charles Mohapel
Send your Shiny Disks to: c/o SFRevu, 16440 Baden Westwood Rd, Brandywine, MD 20613

Damn Aliens DVDs by Steven Sawicki ( 040105 / ) - We remember having many discussions with various of you about how you decide to do this over that. While you no longer remember any of this, we have been pondering it. Human memory is, it seems, neither short nor long. We believe the best term for it is one you have coined yourself - selective.

First of all, you recall nothing of your pre-amnioquatic existence. You do not remember your grasping of consciousness and you can barely recall anything ancestral, even though it's all sitting there for you to grab onto. You do not remember where you came from nor where you are going, even though it sits just a synapse connection away from your consciousness. This could be simply a bad design problem, perhaps stemming from some distant ancestor getting bonked on the head while trying not to be lunch for some larger predator. Or it could be a genetic issue, something wrong with the recipe. We believe it is this missing link that is creating all of your issues.

This is why you continue to repeat yourself. As two of your wise people have said, "those who know history not are bound to mix two eggs, butter and flour until stiff." Let us provide you some examples of your evident confusion.

If the alien image of the month seems familiar, you might search your memory for where you've seen it before...but don't bother trying to adjust your computer. Courtesy of MGM.   Netflix / IMDB

Elektra by (Fox Home Entertainme 05 April, 2005 / $29.98) - Okay, this DVD captures the exploits of the one who died in the Daredevil movie. We are not sure why you want to do this, as she was not all that exciting when she was a living character. This whole movie revolves around this dead Electra woman who refuses to kill someone and then comes under the wrath of a gigantic band of ninjas and super bad beings. Why these collected individuals do not just go do the job themselves instead of deciding that the universe will collapse unless they kill this already dead woman is beyond us. You Earthers seem to understand this kind of stuff better than us, or perhaps you are just better at ignoring it. In either case, they try to kill this already dead woman because she did not pass on her deadness to others. In the process she manages to get a large number of them to join her. Sometimes it seems like you have forgotten that you ever knew how to make good DVD movies.   Netflix / IMDB

Bubblegum Crisis Vol 3 by (Koch Vision Entertai 12 April, 2005 / $19.98) - Klaarg got this one as he has been wrestling with the concept of gum for quite some time. The bubbles scare him although the flavor and the consistency draw him ever back. So, like he usually does, and boy are we glad he does not approach the mothership engine problems this way although it might explain a lot, he sought assistance on your DVD?s thinking that surely such a simple concept as gum would be one you had already wrestled with. Even though he figured you'd lost, he thought there might be useful information to be gleaned. We watched this with him and although bubblegum was mentioned frequently we did not think it really played all that much a role in the plot or outcome. In fact, we're not sure what the gum trouble really was and why everyone was fighting. Sure the bubbles can be scary and it's never a good thing to stick a pseudopod in a wad on the sidewalk but we do not think it worth going to war over. But then, we are an advanced species and, barring Klaarg, relatively untroubled by such things.  Netflix / IMDB

Blade - Trinity (Unrated Widescreen Edition) (New Line Platinum Series) by (Warner Home Video 26 April, 2005 / $29.95) - Oh joy, we thought, when we stumbled on this. The third DVD in a trilogy. If it is one thing you Thirders are good at it is in doing third DVDs, although we admit that we wondered if it were undead month since so many of the DVDs we looked at involved still living dead things. We liked the vampires and we liked the vampire hunters although we could not discern why they fought so much at times when neither side could gain anything. Maybe vampires just like to fight. Maybe they get infected with all that human blood and it makes them more aggressive. Your blood does have a lot of stuff in it, nicotine, mercury, dioxin, sulfur, carbon, antibiotics, selenium and a number of other things. So maybe it's just that. We still wonder why the vampires, who are supposed to have lived for a long time, appear to be so dumb. Is it that only unintelligent people get bit so that you end up with unintelligent vampires? You would think that over time there would be the occasional genius having a bad day who would get bitten. We think it would only take one. And we are glad to see that even the undead maintain their senses of humor, although not every undead person is funny.  Netflix / IMDB

Primer by (Warner Home Video 19 April, 2005 / $27.95) - We believe we have told you in the past that time travel is something you should avoid. It just makes your lives more complicated than they already are and that is something you Third Worlders do not need as your undeveloped brains can only handle so much complication before imploding into republicanism. This DVD drives the point home. This is what happens when you let engineers run things. You should never do that without first applying the proper organic limiters in the cerebral area. Just look at Klaarg and imagine. These two engineers (in the DVD not Klaarg) have figured a way to corrupt time. And, because they can, they do. They then create havoc, which is what happens when engineers break free of their programming. We are not sure many of you will like this DVD as it is just full of ideas and you tend to like shoot, shoot, bang, bangs and things that explode. However, we mention it here for the two of you out there who like to think when you watch a DVD.  Netflix / IMDB

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (Widescreen Edition) by (Paramount Home Video 26 April, 2005 / $29.99) - We do not know why you have such a penchant for trying to make DVDs out of your written fictions. Do you not understand that there is a form for everything and only one? Obviously not, for you continue to not only twist forms from one to the next but to repeat this twisting backwards and forwards and occasionally sidewards. We can only imagine what you will do when you finally come to grips with your three dimensionality. We liked the house in this DVD and would like to know where to get one. The mothership is nice but it's like sleeping in your car. Well, not really but it's the only analogy you'll grasp. We're not sure who exactly this Lemony person is but there are certainly a series of unfortunate events. But then, that's the way you Earthers exists, sliding from one unfortunate event to the next with nary enough time in between to ponder your misfortune.  Netflix / IMDB

Soylent Green by (Warner Home Video 26 April, 2005 / $14.96) - We threw this into the Leticular Defragmatizer for our regular Spoozeday night extravaganza and settled in for sheer enjoyment. We had heard that this was a classic tale of post apocalyptic degradation (do you know how to do anything else?). And we have seen this Heston fellow gripping this and that with his cold dead hands before and enjoyed it. We did think it was a bit slow and perhaps a bit dated and it made Klaarg hungry so he went out to see if he could find some of this Soylent Green as he thought it sounded pretty tasty. He did not have much luck and by the time he came back the DVD had finished. We did not have the heart to tell him the ending and as he became enraptured in the latest novel from home, Planetogists are from Arcturus and Engineers are from Aldeberran, we just left well enough alone.  Netflix / IMDB

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