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Blu-ray & DVD Reviews- 08/2005  Next Month / Last Month
by Charles Mohapel
Send your Shiny Disks to: c/o SFRevu, 16440 Baden Westwood Rd, Brandywine, MD 20613

The Librarian - Quest for the Spear by (Warner Home Video 30 August, 2005 / $19.98) - We like librarians so we were eager to get this documentary to see exactly what it is they do when we are not around. We were amazed and astounded and that's saying a lot considering what we have seen and where we have been. We never knew, first of all, that your big libraries contained such things as the Holy Grail and the Arc of the Covenant and Hercules Girdle and we never knew there were secret societies lurking all about just trying to get in and remove these things. Why they never just went and got a card is not fully explained since we've never had problems taking things out of our library. Because these societies do not use a card the librarian is tasked with heading out to get the stuff back. We also never knew that librarians were protected by attractive bodyguards. And here we thought that libraries were quiet places. This DVD only points up what we don't know yet about your society so we're looking for more like it. Perhaps one on clerks or accountants. We can only imagine the excitement that they must get into.  Netflix / IMDB

Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe by (United American Video 01 August, 2005 / $5.99) - We are not sure why you Earthers link politics and entertainment but you do. You have numerous cases of this. Does it not seem strange to look back and see your elected leaders cavorting with monkeys, slimy aliens, donkeys and various fruits after you have elected them to important offices? Do you truly think that being on the Love Boat or Predator or helping Cher change costumes truly prepares one for public office and the responsibilities of your deformed version of representative government? We have no answers for this, only questions. And we grew many more questions as we watched this Jesse "the body" "the governor" Ventura cavort through the Minnesota woods chasing alien baddies. Frankly, we liked him better as a wrestler, but then his biggest decisions lie mainly in what color feathered boa to wear to the ring. But we subvert. This DVD has no redeeming qualities whatsoever unless you happen to like watching the Minnesota countryside in the background. Jesse is Abraxas, a bi-galaxian cop chasing Secundus (we're not positive of the sexual preference although he does get an innocent earth girl pregnant in immaculate fashion which should raise some uncomfortable questions for your species). They run hither and yon and thither and whatever is a good thirder synonym for yon for the entire film and that pretty much sums it up. We liked the governator better or that funny guy with the monkey.  Netflix / IMDB

Futurama - Monster Robot Maniac Fun Collection by (Fox Home Entertainme 23 August, 2005 / $14.98) - It is a known fact that all advanced species utilize the same tools and devices to optimize performance and efficiency. One of these tools is to de-anxietinize important functionaries well before they need to function optimally. Thus, we explain our choice here as we need to begin preparing for a brief trip to Betelgeuse for cheese. Space fuel is just not floating around out there you know. Well, actually it is but we still don't like to waste it so it's important that Klaarg be on top of his game when it comes time to push the button to start the engines. What could be better we thought than a DVD entirely about robots. And not just any robots but funny robots. Well, needless to say, everything worked as Klaarg nearly became unsentient during the showing. We thought it was all very funny, the DVD and not Klaarg's unsentience, and amusing. We'd send you our copy but Klaarg did unmentionable things to it so you'll have to find your own. And you should.  Netflix / IMDB

Minority Report (Widescreen Edition) by (Universal Studios 23 August, 2005 / $12.99) - We are always amazed with what you think you would do if you could see the future. In this case you think you would catch criminals before they commit crimes. You apparently choose to do this in place of any other number of really useful things, but then, why should your future be any different from your past. You are a species about history and about choices, that is, you have a past full of bad ones. Apparently you see no reason why the future should be any different. Tommy Cruise applies his dynamics to the process and manages to muck things up for just about the time it takes to make a DVD. At least this future is more cheerful. No, wait, we remember now that it is not, instead projecting your typical dark and dismal worldview forward once more. We did like parts of this DVD although we do wonder why all of your movie making people seem to have flunked physics. If they would just watch a few episodes of Earth's Funniest Videos they would note that your species has great difficulty sitting down in chairs and getting into boats, never mind hanging onto the outside of flying cars. We think movie people try to not only believe a few impossible things before breakfast but get them on film as well.   Netflix / IMDB

Brain That Wouldn't Die by (Good Times Home Vide 30 August, 2005 / $4.95) - When you are not busy blowing up yourselves or worrying about being blown up by others you seem to be rather absorbed by your own body parts. Certainly they do have a unique functionality but, to be honest, they are nothing special. The Groperians have more arms, the Tuntunnuts have more stomachs and the Selid Knar of Antares 8 have more hair like fibers growing out of cranial openings. This self-absorption explains a lot as well as helping us understand the plethora of DVD's that cover these kinds of things. In this case it's a scientist who manages to keep his girlfriends head alive (we know, the title is misleading so if you're looking for brains you need to look elsewhere) after a horrible accident. Luckily she is able to build some rapport with a monster in a closet and together they manage to destroy everything and provide a typical happy ending--well, typical for you Earthers who don't seem happy unless you are surrounded by death and destruction. We kind of liked the head and think they would make dandy table settings which would also keep you from murdering so many of the Chlorophyllic based life-forms that share your planet. And you would never be without dinner conversation.  Netflix / IMDB

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