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Damn Aliens in The Magic Kindgom by Steven Sawicki (as told to by the Damn Aliens)
SFRevu Column  ISBN/ITEM#: 0605DADVD
Date: June 1, 2006 /

We were on our way to Blockbuster to search for shiny discs (because no one is sending us any in the mail) when Mummphf got the idea that, so long as we were out, we should go to Disneyworld. We don't speak about Mummphf too much because we think something happened to him in the cold, dark reaches of space that mysteriously and significantly changed her. We believe it either had something to do with consuming too much Rigellian Brandy or leaving the Proton stove running too long while preparing a Rigellian Omelette or inhaling too many fumes when constructing a Rigellian cheesecake. (Say what you want about the Rigellians, they do have the best stocked grocery stores in the Galaxy.) In any case, instead of ignoring Mummphf's suggestion like we should have, we instead, decided it would be okay and go. Besides, we have heard much about your experimentations with rats and thought we should see for ourselves.

It is a much bigger place than we had imagined and we did not realize that individual nations of your world had contributed to the effort. Unfortunately, no one told us about the robots. The first exhibit we entered was simply full of them. Klaarg was not happy and we apologize for the rampage. It may be a small world after all but not when it comes to Klaarg. He still regularly spits out a piece of one of the little mechanical beings during each meal. We suppose, after doing more research on the place, that it was good we kept him away from the hall of presidents.

This unfortunate adventure has caused us to re-examine our time here. Sure we could simply return to watching, and ridiculing, your pitiful attempts at cinematic veritas. However, you have stopped being creative, choosing instead to simply copy your past works, regardless of how well done they were. You are even copying old television shows. We can only shudder as we think where you will go next. So, after much consideration, we have decided to stop watching your shiny discs and start giving you advice in a more direct fashion. Not that we can really tell you much about ourselves or our own societies since you simply would not understand and it's against the law as well. What we can do though is talk to you about yourselves. We have discovered that you love talking about yourselves so it seems like a natural process for us to do so as well. We are sure you will find it fascinating and enlightening. For example, you are an angry species. Ironically, most of your anger is directed internally rather than externally. Did you know that in your most violent nation, the United States, you manage to homicide 18,000 of your fellow sapiens in the last solar cycle? Did you know that during the same time period you managed to suicide 30,000? Since there is clear evidence that the 18,000 homicides did not volunteer for those positions we believe, utilizing your economic principles of supply and demand, that a clear opportunity exists here. We believe you can significantly reduce your prison costs by doing some simply psychological matching. And since there is clearly a surplus of suiciders you can even meet the needs of your cereal killers (although why anyone would want to be violent near breakfast is beyond us.)

We'd also like to point out that you are grossly underutilizing your sun. Almost all of the energy is going away from your planet. This is not efficient. Also, why are you tying up all that water on your planet as ice? We know you have made some efforts to melt it but you are doing so in such a disjointed manner that surely even you can see the need for better efforts.

Well, these are all the thoughts we have at the moment. Sorry about Disneyworld. We'll return all the robot pieces when Klaarg is done coughing them up. In the meantime we hope you will begin to think of ways to better utilize your mental abilities. You don't use very much you know and what you do use seems so...well perhaps we have said enough for now.

From release/information:

We were on our way to Blockbuster to search for shiny discs (because no one is sending us any in the mail) when Mummphf got the idea that, so long as we were out, we should go to Disneyworld. We don't speak about Mummphf too much because we think something happened to him in the cold, dark reaches of space that mysteriously and significantly changed her. We believe it either had something to do with consuming too much Rigellian Brandy or leaving the Proton stove running too long while preparing a Rigellian Omelette or inhaling too many fumes when constructing a Rigellian cheesecake. (Say what you want about the Rigellians, they do have the best stocked grocery stores in the Galaxy.) In any case, instead of ignoring Mummphf's suggestion like we should have, we instead, decided it would be okay and go. Besides, we have heard much about your experimentations with rats and thought we should see for ourselves.

It is a much bigger place than we had imagined and we did not realize that individual nations of your world had contributed to the effort. Unfortunately, no one told us about the robots. The first exhibit we entered was simply full of them. Klaarg was not happy and we apologize for the rampage. It may be a small world after all but not when it comes to Klaarg. He still regularly spits out a piece of one of the little mechanical beings during each meal. We suppose, after doing more research on the place, that it was good we kept him away from the hall of presidents.

This unfortunate adventure has caused us to re-examine our time here. Sure we could simply return to watching, and ridiculing, your pitiful attempts at cinematic veritas. However, you have stopped being creative, choosing instead to simply copy your past works, regardless of how well done they were. You are even copying old television shows. We can only shudder as we think where you will go next. So, after much consideration, we have decided to stop watching your shiny discs and start giving you advice in a more direct fashion. Not that we can really tell you much about ourselves or our own societies since you simply would not understand and it's against the law as well. What we can do though is talk to you about yourselves. We have discovered that you love talking about yourselves so it seems like a natural process for us to do so as well. We are sure you will find it fascinating and enlightening. For example, you are an angry species. Ironically, most of your anger is directed internally rather than externally. Did you know that in your most violent nation, the United States, you manage to homocide 18,000 of your fellow sapiens in the last solar cycle? Did you know that during the same time period you managed to suicide 30,000? Since there is clear evidence that the 18,000 homocided did not volunteer for those positions we believe, utilizing your economic principles of supply and demand, that a clear opportunity exists here. We believe you can significantly reduce your prison costs by doing some simply psychological matching. And since there is clearly a surplus of suiciders you can even meet the needs of your cereal killers (although why anyone would want to be violent near breakfast is beyond us.)

We'd also like to point out that you are grossly underutilizing your sun. Almost all of the energy is going away from your planet. This is not efficient. Also, why are you tying up all that water on your planet as ice? We know you have made some efforts to melt it but you are doing so in such a disjointed manner that surely even you can see the need for better efforts.

Well, these are all the thoughts we have at the moment. Sorry about Disneyworld. We'll return all the robot pieces when Klaarg is done coughing them up. In the meantime we hope you will begin to think of ways to better utilize your mental abilities. You don't use very much you know and what you do use seems so...well perhaps we have said enough for now.

(Source: SFRevu)

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