Damn Alien DVD's
by Steven Sawicki (as told to)
sfrevu column ISBN/ITEM#: 0606DADVD
Date: June 1, 2006 /
For some reason you have decided to continue to not be creative, falling back on remaking the past and videographying comic books. It is a sad state.
And speaking of states we noted recently some rather disturbing changes in world leadership. While we are far from comprehending all of your varying rituals, systems and beliefs, we thought we had a pretty good idea about how and why you selected your leaders. Recent events however have led us down a different star lane. We now think that you select leaders who will intentionally make things worse in order for your species to advance. When you were living in caves and hiding from bears there were many opportunities to remove unwanted behaviors from the genetic mix. With the advent of technology (and we use the term lightly in your case since your current technology is not that far removed from the technology that your simian relatives use to remove termites) you removed any number of different challenges. Because of this life, for you, became tame. You stopped evolving. This explains so much we are surprised we did not see it immediately. You have to remember, however, that we first came here during spring training and so our attention was otherwise diverted, although we never once saw anyone hit a grapefruit. Simply stated, and what other way is there to put it so that you will understand, you select leaders who create dangerous environments in order to stimulate evolution. This explains so many things: drug use, wars, congress, religion, the girl scouts, we could go on and on and on.
Instead let us talk about baseball. We are understandably confused by your focused attention on Barry Bonds and his use of steroids. After all, it is not like he is using his telekinesis to gain unfair advantage. He's simply taking some pills which are restructuring his DNA. You need to focus on more important things. Like the new strike zone. And the use of umpires. Why do you not just attach a sensor to the ball and remove all of this judgment from the game? In fact, we fail to understand why you do not do this with your feetballs (plural, yes?) and your pucks. We fail to see the advantage of putting these kinds of sensors into your cars so you can find all the donut shops and not using them to verify whether or not someone has scored. And stop using satellites to figure out where you are. This is wasteful. Do you not realize that your world consists of all of the atoms that it ever had and ever will, discounting the occasional meteor strike? All you have to do is some quick bi-dimensional math to know exactly where you are in relation to everything else. Sheesh, do you think we shout out, Klaarg, Klaarg, do we go left here, every time we want to go to Altair IV? Besides, all those rays coming down from space are bad for you. Unless this is just another of your ploys to weed out those who are too unintelligent to come in out of the radiation.