Damn Aliens DVD
by Steven Sawicki
We would like to talk to you about Global Warming. Notice we capitalized it so you would not miss it. We were going to make it bold too but we have not quite figured out how to do that yet. We have been paying attention to your scurrying about with your, "it's too hot," "it's too cold," "it's just not right," arguments. Surely you know that your planet has been heating and cooling for a long, long time. This is what it is supposed to do. On the other hand we wonder why you spend so much time complaining about it and so little time trying to fix it. Orbital mechanics are not that complex, even for you. If you're too hot then just nudge the darn thing a bit farther away from your sun. If you're too cold then a few feet closer should do it.
Have you not thought of this? Or perhaps you just like to complain about things, which is one of the things you seem to excel at. This is much like your shiny disc industry. (We know that you are amazed at our ability to segue.) We see shiny discs that seemed to have been produced to do nothing more than to give others of you something to complain about. Some of you bemoan that there is nothing good out there while others bemoan that there is never enough butter on the popcorn. Firstly, you can simply demolecularize butter out of simple oxygen by using...wait, you don't have that technology yet. Maybe you better stick to trying to make better shiny discs.
We have three advices for you. First, stop reproducing. Once you have made it leave it alone. Gees, this one should be so obvious. Second, use your imagination. You used to be able to do this. What happened? Third, enough with the robot movies. You're irritating Klaarg and besides being the chief engineer, he has control of our weapons systems so he's not someone you want irritated with you. Let us give you some examples of potential targets.